My dearest Momanimal,

I am sorry, I disappeared. We were on holiday in France and I was thinking about calling you everyday. It was raining moost of the time, we were very unfortunate as far as the weateher was concerned. But this way, we really relaxed. Sometimes it was difficult to keep the spirits up, because I really loved that place near Bordeaux. Really, really did. If you were alive I would have called you every day, telling you about the weather and how unfortunate we were and blablabla. Coming back was tough to, because you weren't waiting for me... That's another I have to learn to live with. So I just tried to forget for the past weeks. Forget everything, I just pushed it away whenever thoughts of you appeared in my mind. And I was okay. Felt very good even.

But today memories came back full force. After working on my every day projects and entering contests and redesigning my logo and my website, I am crushed today. I dreamed of you tonight you were so alive and present. It's rough to get myself motivated and to keep the tears at bay. Very bad of me to write to you only because things are looking up instead of down. Classic daughter behaviour. I love you and I miss you. Please come back.

Desk of the day

Your tombstone

Here are the first sketches of the stonemason. I went there one sunny afternoon all by myself, Tonie was with the sitter and I just thought... let's get this done. I cried for the following two days.

We have chosen a big family grave for you under a beautiful birchtree. We had something very clean in mind for you. A beautiful off-white stone, beige maybe, with a blue inscription. The stonemason suggested a singular boulder. But all 3 of us don't think it would suit you. So we kind of have a group of stones in mind. Your stone and three other stones, framing you. And maybe, one day, those stones can be ours. One for each of your kids. Who knows. But at least this way you'll know, we are always with you. 

The pictures I didn't take

One of my greatest regrets is not having taken enough pictures of you during your last weeks. As we knew you would die. Sometimes I secretly took Iphone recordings of your voice while we had a few of our last every day conversations. But it just isn't enough. If I was in the sam e situation today I would take pictures and videos of you all the time - ALL THE F... TIME. But in reality I simply didn't want to stick a camera into your face, reminding you constantly that your life was ending any day. However, it makes me so very, very sad. I wish for so much more of you, so much more I could hold on to. I don't even have one perfect image of you, me and Tonie, us three together. 

I thought about getting lights and everything up once. All of us were there, brothers, nieces, Tonie and Tom. But I just couldn't. I didn't feel like it, couldn't face it. I will regret it forever.

What difference does it make? The important images are in my head and this longing for pictures of you wouldn't fill the emptiness and yearning inside myself. Smush, sappy, teardrops, blah!

Just another loss. I love you. And in the end what does it matter, I have all the memories I need in my heart.

My earliest memories

1972 with W

Tonight Tonie and I had the funniest night. I was carrying her on my arms and "fake-bumping" her head into every wall, dresser and door. She laughed her tiny head off. A sore little head it is. She has a cold since yesterday. Her voice is an all muffled toddler sexy voice. She realises it herself and sometimes makes strange sounds testing it.

I was about five and you chased me and my brother through the entire apartment. You'd washed your hair and combed it over your face and behaved like a monster! We hid beneath Dad's desk and laughed like crazy. It was rare that you were so inhibited and ridiculously funny. It is one of my earliest memory of you and a very cherished one. Lots of love from here.

The graveyard bully is back!

And now she demands where your tombstone is and why it takes us so long to get it down and onto your grave! Thank you very much. I thought about deleting the graveyard bully post from a few weeks ago but now I won't!

Exclamation mark!

Really this tombstone thing breaks my heart. I hate the idea of putting a block of stone on top of you, it makes it so horribly real. Again. I should know you are dead and it's final. But death is the one thing we don't understand and I don't understand. The tombstone feels like the last... last.... last... whatever I just dont't feel like talking to the stonemason again even if she's great and very soothing and empathic.

So keep out of it, bully! I don't give a shit whether you think there is an etiquette of the dead and if you are bothered by the gravestone-lessness of Mum's grave. Especially as my Mum never cared about her grave, she only cared about her instant cremation and her memorial which you didn't attend, because you were in Spain for a couple of days and for you as a catholic "a memorial is not important, the burial is important". I don't think it is a very respectful thing to say, if these were my Mum's last wishes.

Arghh! I sound like ranting but really, it makes me cry and suffer and feel small. I hate it.

Desk of the Day

My dearest Momanimal,

I was about to stop addressing you directly and suddenly the past days were so very rough and raw. I missed you desperately. I wonder.

Anyway. The pebbles. They are a story by themselves. One I tried to write but I simply can not, yet. So I stopped trying. I collected them 4 days before you died, knowing you had drifted away.

Up, up, up. The sun finally shows after weeks and weeks of rain. Or so it seems. I hear the lawnmovers everywhere around us as today is the first dry day. I love you. I miss you. It would be the greatest if you could come back.

Schnitzel and cucumber salad

Saturday bro W celebrated his birthday. We all met at your house, with kids and girlfriends or wifes and my brothers prepared tiny Wiener schnitzels like you used to for when the whole crowd was here. That day I saw you everywhere, sitting on the couch, watching TVwhen you were still ok. Lying on the couch the last time I saw you in full consciousness, before you drifted away. I saw you in the kitchen cooking. In your walk in closet changing. Everywhere. In front of your house waving. Currently I feel like living with your shadow that follows me everywhere I go. Reminding me constantly how much I miss you.

But today the sun is shining and I am very proud to tell you that I am still very serious about my project of three: Doodling, Writing, Shooting (or editing)!

I love you.

Annie Leibowitz & Home Assignments

About three years ago you gave me the book "Annie Leibovitz at work" for Christmas". I have a very strange / stupid way with coffee table books – a stupid term anyway – or exhibition catalogues which is I am fascinated by them but I never really, really look at them. Same with Leibowitz's book. I was so excited and surprised when you gave it to me... you rarely gave "surprise presents"...  But I suddenly started flipping through it again.

She describes her years in school in San Francisco, how she walked around with her camera every morning. If you don't have your camera with you you can't take the picture. You have to train yourself and your eye in order to find the image... 

Somehow I lost the ability to just go out, walk around and take pictures of something, anything, really. I used to do it all the time, I was very serious about it. My excuse to stop was / is that Munich doesn't offer too many exciting views. The truth is, however, after several years in New York I had become lazier camera wise, too. I switched to video, had a new incentive and focus until it faded little by little. Once out of college and in the working world everything changes again. Assignments become projects, projects becomes jobs, jobs become chores. I realize that I don't take myself as serious anymore. Spending time on something has to be goal-oriented, meaning money. Not very helpful for the creative, artistic process. 

Starting today I will take my camera and go out looking for the image. My second New Years resolution since yesterday. It is in fact my middle of the month resolution. Write every day, just a little, sketch something and concentrate on photography for 25 min every day whether it is editing or shooting. We'll talk again in June. I'll keep you posted.

On getting better

How very strange to write to you. On a blog, I have my doubts... Somehow though, the blog thing makes sense to me. It sets a frame, a place to meet you and spend time with you. I prepare and plan and then: we meet through my writing activity or thinking about images. I can take the edge of my bursting heart, there is an outlet for all those things I used to tell you, I want to tell you but can't. At the same time, yes, I do hope that maybe someone reads what I need to tell. As you can't hear me, maybe there is someone else who can and understand all these feelings. Someone with a similar experience. Cancer is so common today. Death belongs to our lives. But in our day to day routines there is hardly any space for all of this. Especially if a toddler is involved.

I can't remember anyone asking me how I am really doing now that you have been gone for several months. And often times I am so close to tears I wouldn't even be able to answer without breaking down. Maybe that's why people don't ask. Breaking down is a newer fear that came with time. Shortly after you died the pain was just part of the grieving process. But now I fear falling back into this hole of intense grieve.

Still how very strange to write to you. Is it not? Bah, oh, I miss you terribly. I can not stop repeating myself. Why write to you and how to make the best of it? Somehow in my head I have a timeline. I want to make it through the first year without you. Somehow I believe that after twelve months, or rather experiencing the first anniversary of your death will be the last great hurdle for me to take in this grieving process thing. By now we managed everything else, first day, first week, memorial and funeral, Christmas, new years, first winter, your birthday, first spring. Now first summer without you with our last summer of you in our minds and how the disease dwindled you away within weeks. Your anniversary.

Probably it won't change a thing. But - and that's what has been riddling me for the past days - what can I do to make the most of it? A horrible as it sounds but it is a tough and challenging and crushing year it does make sense to live through it conciously and thoroughly, even if it hurts as nothing has before. I want to remember everything and about you. I won't ever for sure but I want to remember those intense last weeks. Or maybe sometimes not intensive enough weeks because there are some things I regret. Several actually.

So after drifting for the past months being crushed by my grieve like a little object gets aimlessly thrown around by the angry waves of a storm in the sea - the image could be better described... - I decided to focus and remember, to do my grieving homework and to heal. Really how can there be a happy me if I am whining and crying? Which is ok, of course, but I believe there has to be some evolution. I have to find a new place, space, something for you in my live.

I love you and I miss you.

Sketching, scribbling & forgetting

My latest and last cashmere video for the season. Currently everything I do goes back to basics. Sketching and scribbling. I am still very seriously working on cleaning up my archives and I'll tell ya, it's loads and loads of work and a whole lot of it goes straight to the trash just the way you'd like it... Ooooh, I have a whole bunch of Middle of the Year Resolutions. Stay tuned, you would feel really pissed off hearing of all my efficiency life stuff.

And again, there is no way around it... Currently I miss you every moment, AGAIN. Reality hits me several times a day and I am stunned just as often. You definitely are dead? You face is so fresh on my inner eyes... I really won't see you again? What a boring story.

I love you and I miss you. Please change the way the world goes.

Happy Mothers Day...

My dearest, best ever Mom,

happy mothers day! I wish I could tell you in person, I wish I could speak to you. I believe I am suffering from severe 6 mths grieving. I miss you terribly. Sometimes tears explode within seconds and the only thought I have is "Can I please come home, just for half an hour". Your place is there, your things are there. The home is gone. Buhu. I dreamt how you died Monday morning and the crushed mood accompanied me for the rest of the day. Poor Tonie. 

Below is one of my favorite pictures I found somewhere. It's you even younger than I am today, me – around the age of Tonie right now – and my beloved grandmother, Awa. The image was taken at the beach during summer holidays. I always had this image in mind when I was pregnant, this was what I dreamt of. You, me and Tonie together. I was looking forward to recreating this same image. In my grief recovery book it is one of the basic losses: lost expectations. So maybe I can count this as one of the book's assignments. I acknowledged one of my expectations I have to let go of. It's a big one. Letting go a grandma for a child that only a year old. But, looking ahead. At least you met Tonie and I will always remember our walk together when labor started, the morning you visited us in the hospital – Tonie's first day – and how very worried you were for me while I tried to conceive Tonie. 

I love you and I miss you terribly. I wish for so many memories we just couldn't yet create. 

Visions & Fata Morganas

My dearest Mum,

Monday I saw you in a cafe. Your hair, your face, your highlights your style. My heart did a leap! I new it, you couldn't be gone forever... Just for a split second I was incredibly relieved and happy. Naturally it wasn't you. Since then I was mad at my brothers, especially the older one... He can push all my buttons within seconds. I don't quite know why but it is exactly the same effect your brother has on me.

Oh the anger... is one if my biggest challenges currently... I don't know what to do, I just get MAD and ANGRY very easily

The Witches of Ghana

Dearest Momanimal,

my friend AC has practically been travelling for the entire past year. I have seen her about twice since you died. She has been working on her project "witches in exile", therefore she spent a lot of time in Ghana. Plus she was in Bangladesh and Afghanistan and Pakistan... I can't keep up with my former roommate. Her live is so different compared to mine. I get lost in my daily routine or rather rather creating new ones . She is travelling everywhere. From Ghana to Berlin, Paris, Miami and back. I am mesmerised by these portraits. I am so happy for her and how her career takes off. Unfortunately she doesn't see it or yet can't believe it. But she will I am sure of it.

"Whitches of Ghana" by Ann-Christine Woehrl – Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung 13.04.2013

Motion, Motion, Motion

My dearest Momanimal,

I don't know what happened, I am so very sad again. I miss you terribly. A stepping stone of grieving? It's been six months. I repeat myself time and again. I know, but... Tonie is so cute, she can do so many new things! Runs around with her toy stroller and her little naked bath baby that she hugged tonight while falling asleep. Two days ago we had to go to the emergency room because our oven kind of melted and I was so scared that Tonie inhaled plastic stuff... We spent 3 hours in the hopsital without ever seeing a doctor. The ER just went from empty to crowded with kids. So I went home with her after talking to doctor friends who reassured me that everything would be fine. Mostly it is just my horrible, horrible fear and panic of loosing Tonie, too.

I miss you. I MISS U. You would have checked on us and you would have worried with us, Tonie, me and Tom. Anyway. I am just finishing the last cashmere video of the season. So here comes the one I finished three weeks ago... and London photos will follow, I hope. Looking ahead! TOmorrow will be better.

I love you. Please come back.

The 2-coloured shawl from mimicks on Vimeo.

Back from UK

Dearest Mom,

Tonie and I are back from London since Tuesday. We had to change our flight as the airline was on strike Monday. Tonie was very, very happy to be back. Even though she was the greatest travel companion. She changes so much currently... She fell in love with the ugliest baby doll her little friend J owned. And was carrying it around with her all the time. Back in Munich I bought her her own – cuter Käthe Kruse bath baby – and the baby has to accompany us everywhere – naked. As soon as I put clothes on her Tonie takes them off.

I had so many things to tell you... While in London I sometimes wanted to call you, to tell you everything about our trip. I simply forgot that I can't. I have been sad for the past days. And uninspired to write. But I'll try – tomorrow.

I miss you, I love you.

Ziggy Stardust & The London Eye

My dearest momanimal,

We arrived save and Sound but our trip is a Story in it's own. Not because of Tonie, she was a blast! Totally cute, she insisted on fasten her seat belt thing and was very serious about it. I fear that you left me your travel fever... It is simply different to travel with small kids. All the packing and prepairing, the food to take and the games to organize... No dozing over a people magazine, looking around, having a cappuccino, trying lipgloss in the duty free... Well, and what do ya know my passport was out of date. I was at the gate perfectly on time and the passport control lady didn't let me go on board. I had to get a new five day passport at the aiport and then had to take the next flight. Plus a 30 min lays. Makes 2.5 hours travel time on top of all and a very tearful- almost fallen into pieces - mum. Because of your departure I am just very edgy whenever anything unexpected happens. Changing the flight should have cost me more than 450 euros but somehow the Lufthansa support ladies made it happen and we could take the next flight for the basic fee. I am so very thankful to them. I was so excited about Tonie's and my first trip. I really was devastated when the boarding lady just didn't let me through. Thanks! I only met the nicest and most helpful strangers yesterday, one after the other! Even though I was a drama queen and it was my fault to begin with.

In London! We wanted to visit the David Bowie exhibition in the Victoria and Albert museum but there was such a long queue! I really want to see it... And as I have lived in Paris for many years without going on top of the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe and I lived in New York without EVER going to the Statue of Liberty - it is so shameful I am scared to put it down on a screen here- I now really, really want to go onto the London eye - enormous wonderwheel right by the river Thames. And which means lots of queuing, too. Add two toddlers and a their tiny agendas: enjoy the ride...

What we did do today: we had breakfast at a french-sich cafe, left early because of the little temper of my friends son. Visited a butterfly exhibition, I left early because tonie was scared of humid, noisy environment. Had coffee at a friends place whom I have'nt seen since.... 2001?  Even though I always really liked here but I fear I wronged at some point. Another story.

Tonie: somehow she seems to believe that I have some kind of mean plan to leave her behind! She makes very sure that I

A don't forget her

B don't leave the stroller anywhere outside where we can't see it

C don't let the car service guy run off with our suitcase

She even recognized our suitcase on the luggage conveyor belt...One and a half! It's all I have to say. She is gifted. And very cute. Oh and she once again was so sweet when I cried at the passport office. Stroked my knee. I explained everything to her. Ahhh! I feel ashamed and proud at the same time that she is so empathic... (Ashamed because my toddler comforts me)

I love you! I will select images and post them later on. I hope you are doing fine....

I will be a Vegetarian one day

Dearest, Best Mom Ever,

I watched the movie "Samsara" yesterday. Purely visual, no words. See below. It was feautred on Itunes. At first I started watching doing stuff on the side, some research, some blog reading. After a while I got the hang of it and I was fascinated. Creators Ron Fricke and Mark Magidson travelled around the world for five years and captured nature, civilisation – which doesn't seem too civil most of the time – and people. Plus food processing... from animals. I was hardly able to watch and I felt so sick of myself eating meat, drinking milk. I thought about becoming a vegetarian so many times. But I simply love a nice Parma or Parmigiano, spare ribs, a burger, a great steak. Latte Macchiato... It's the Italians fault. Who would be able to travel to Italy without eating meat and dairy? It is just so demanding. Tom end I decided a while ago to pay very close attention to what kind of meat we buy. Consume less animal products. But renounce it entirely?

Yesterday I decided that I would try to be vegetarian. I will find ways around it. I am serious about it definitely. Step by step I will change my diet and will see where it takes me.

However. Today I had to un for a lense UV filter for my new camera (dreadful, but very happy-ending story), stopped by the Italian superstore and bought... yes, Vitello Tonato... I think it's kind of fine chicken slices with tuna – tuna is a whole new problem –  I only realized my "mishap" at the cashier... then we had time until the Radio Shack opened and I was very hungry, MC etc was around the corner and they have the most delicious Bacon and Egg Muffin I rarely eat because I never make it there before 10.00 am. Bacon is the worst and most disgusting.

To apeace myself I just had some Prosecco on ice. Because I am SO EXCITED about London tomorrow. Like christmas as a child! Like the club as a twen. London as a Fortsy? What's the efffing, cute word for an almost Forty-something?

I love you. I miss you so very much, tears are ready to jump onto my cheeks all the time. I am tipsy.

Please. Come back.

PS: My nose looks very ugly shot from below.

Samsara Theatrical Trailer from Baraka & Samsara on Vimeo.

Desk of the Day

Tonie found a bunch of sponges in my office today. They have been hidden away in a box and moved from office to office through the past years. I think they look... like something, somehow. I still like the colour of the oil paint dried up on them.

London, tombstones & skyping with the Dead

Dear Mom,

Tonie and I are going to make our first big trip to London next week. Just us two. We are visiting a friend and her little son. I am really excited... so far flying has been kind of difficult with her but she has been travelling with Tom and by now she knows a plane gets her someplace new and adventurous. I hope we'll have a good flight... without screaming?

I have been talking to the tombstone lady today. That's the last thing to do. Finding a stone design for you. I miss you very much again. I am seeing photos of you and I cannot, cannot, can't believe I will never see you again? You look so cute and beautiful and I just want to hear you say anything, call me by my nicknames. I am so sorry... for everything. It feels so wrong that you died.

Up, up, up. Look at my images from my last London trip in 2005!!!! I was so young! So much happened since! I lived in San Francisco! You had breast cancer for the first time... and I came back. I fell in love with an impostor. Moved in with an impostor. I had a quick and exciting career in publishing. Broke up with the impostor after fighting like crazy. At the very end after one of my last desperate stunts for him you just said it once – Sweetie, let go, he doesn't love you – if I would be in dead end situation like that toady, who would tell me? I did let go and decided to live happily ever after! I met Tom! Had a wild crazy love story with lots of Italy, Israel and paradise in Greece. Married Tom. Moved again and here is Tonie, the cutest girl ever. I wish I could tell you about her. All those little things she does and how she grows and evolves. How I enjoy being with her. How I love being a mom like I never anticipated.

Look at those pictures! I was so young. Youth really is wasted on the young. I just did an image shoot for the bracelets and I have wrinkles like crazy around the eyes. I seriously aged since my last time in London... phew.

I love you and I miss you. Do you think that one day we will be able to make people alive again? Or to skype with the deceased? I miss you. I miss you. I feel terribly lonely without you.