Schnitzel and cucumber salad

Saturday bro W celebrated his birthday. We all met at your house, with kids and girlfriends or wifes and my brothers prepared tiny Wiener schnitzels like you used to for when the whole crowd was here. That day I saw you everywhere, sitting on the couch, watching TVwhen you were still ok. Lying on the couch the last time I saw you in full consciousness, before you drifted away. I saw you in the kitchen cooking. In your walk in closet changing. Everywhere. In front of your house waving. Currently I feel like living with your shadow that follows me everywhere I go. Reminding me constantly how much I miss you.

But today the sun is shining and I am very proud to tell you that I am still very serious about my project of three: Doodling, Writing, Shooting (or editing)!

I love you.

Happy Mothers Day...

My dearest, best ever Mom,

happy mothers day! I wish I could tell you in person, I wish I could speak to you. I believe I am suffering from severe 6 mths grieving. I miss you terribly. Sometimes tears explode within seconds and the only thought I have is "Can I please come home, just for half an hour". Your place is there, your things are there. The home is gone. Buhu. I dreamt how you died Monday morning and the crushed mood accompanied me for the rest of the day. Poor Tonie. 

Below is one of my favorite pictures I found somewhere. It's you even younger than I am today, me – around the age of Tonie right now – and my beloved grandmother, Awa. The image was taken at the beach during summer holidays. I always had this image in mind when I was pregnant, this was what I dreamt of. You, me and Tonie together. I was looking forward to recreating this same image. In my grief recovery book it is one of the basic losses: lost expectations. So maybe I can count this as one of the book's assignments. I acknowledged one of my expectations I have to let go of. It's a big one. Letting go a grandma for a child that only a year old. But, looking ahead. At least you met Tonie and I will always remember our walk together when labor started, the morning you visited us in the hospital – Tonie's first day – and how very worried you were for me while I tried to conceive Tonie. 

I love you and I miss you terribly. I wish for so many memories we just couldn't yet create. 

Happy Easter

Tonie got her first chocolate high and couldn't stop looking for eggs once she understood the concept. It has been snowing the whole day! I love it, I don't miss spring one bit... yet. Unfortunately can't remember what we did for Easter Sunday last year...

I love you & I miss you.