I will be a Vegetarian one day

Dearest, Best Mom Ever,

I watched the movie "Samsara" yesterday. Purely visual, no words. See below. It was feautred on Itunes. At first I started watching doing stuff on the side, some research, some blog reading. After a while I got the hang of it and I was fascinated. Creators Ron Fricke and Mark Magidson travelled around the world for five years and captured nature, civilisation – which doesn't seem too civil most of the time – and people. Plus food processing... from animals. I was hardly able to watch and I felt so sick of myself eating meat, drinking milk. I thought about becoming a vegetarian so many times. But I simply love a nice Parma or Parmigiano, spare ribs, a burger, a great steak. Latte Macchiato... It's the Italians fault. Who would be able to travel to Italy without eating meat and dairy? It is just so demanding. Tom end I decided a while ago to pay very close attention to what kind of meat we buy. Consume less animal products. But renounce it entirely?

Yesterday I decided that I would try to be vegetarian. I will find ways around it. I am serious about it definitely. Step by step I will change my diet and will see where it takes me.

However. Today I had to un for a lense UV filter for my new camera (dreadful, but very happy-ending story), stopped by the Italian superstore and bought... yes, Vitello Tonato... I think it's kind of fine chicken slices with tuna – tuna is a whole new problem –  I only realized my "mishap" at the cashier... then we had time until the Radio Shack opened and I was very hungry, MC etc was around the corner and they have the most delicious Bacon and Egg Muffin I rarely eat because I never make it there before 10.00 am. Bacon is the worst and most disgusting.

To apeace myself I just had some Prosecco on ice. Because I am SO EXCITED about London tomorrow. Like christmas as a child! Like the club as a twen. London as a Fortsy? What's the efffing, cute word for an almost Forty-something?

I love you. I miss you so very much, tears are ready to jump onto my cheeks all the time. I am tipsy.

Please. Come back.

PS: My nose looks very ugly shot from below.

Samsara Theatrical Trailer from Baraka & Samsara on Vimeo.

Distance

My dearest Mom, we survived Christmas, it wasn't as bad as expected. Will tell you later on. By now I understand it's usually the before and after that's tough not the event itself (burial, memorial, Christmas, death). We finally managed to start our winter vacation today. Everything I want to do takes so much longer at the moment.

Just watched "The Lake House". First time I watched the movie I downloaded the soundtrack. It was so quiet and moving, touching something, peaceful still longing, I cannot describe. A kitschy story. But still. I really remember it.

Anyway. I miss you, I love you and it makes me very sad that today and for the past days, I am sometimes thinking of you without the dreadful jolts of pain. This is new. It's a relieve and at the same time I hate it. It means you've stepped into something past. Soon it will be 2013 and it will be a year in which you are not alive. A Million kisses.

"Time is a rubberband"

I wish you were here. I wonder where you are. Thinking about time. The time we had. What time felt for you when you knew you would die. Now there is no time for you. Waiting for the urn to crash or whatever an urn does to disintegrate.

I was about eleven when I played around with a selfmade towel doll. Awa, about maybe... 63 at that time – younger than you – watched me and explained how the experience of time changes while growing older. And I used to feel time speeding up, days disappearing and weeks rushing by. But since my pregnancy time became slohoowwwwww. Waiting for Tonie, 3 wks, 4 wks, 12 wks, 20 wks, waiting for her to grow, to be born, we moved... waiiiiitin for her arrival for hours on end, our first exciting months. Your diagnose and waiting for your death and waiting to learn how to live without you. My time feels like eternity. Probably a good thing.

All I wish for Christmas is you. I miss u. Come back. This is no fun.

PS the quote is from "Girls". I gorged through the first season last weekend. I hated the first and the second episode while knowing I was hooked. You will be shocked and you will wonder whether live's like that for twenty something. Gawd, they are awkward. I remember.