London, tombstones & skyping with the Dead

Dear Mom,

Tonie and I are going to make our first big trip to London next week. Just us two. We are visiting a friend and her little son. I am really excited... so far flying has been kind of difficult with her but she has been travelling with Tom and by now she knows a plane gets her someplace new and adventurous. I hope we'll have a good flight... without screaming?

I have been talking to the tombstone lady today. That's the last thing to do. Finding a stone design for you. I miss you very much again. I am seeing photos of you and I cannot, cannot, can't believe I will never see you again? You look so cute and beautiful and I just want to hear you say anything, call me by my nicknames. I am so sorry... for everything. It feels so wrong that you died.

Up, up, up. Look at my images from my last London trip in 2005!!!! I was so young! So much happened since! I lived in San Francisco! You had breast cancer for the first time... and I came back. I fell in love with an impostor. Moved in with an impostor. I had a quick and exciting career in publishing. Broke up with the impostor after fighting like crazy. At the very end after one of my last desperate stunts for him you just said it once – Sweetie, let go, he doesn't love you – if I would be in dead end situation like that toady, who would tell me? I did let go and decided to live happily ever after! I met Tom! Had a wild crazy love story with lots of Italy, Israel and paradise in Greece. Married Tom. Moved again and here is Tonie, the cutest girl ever. I wish I could tell you about her. All those little things she does and how she grows and evolves. How I enjoy being with her. How I love being a mom like I never anticipated.

Look at those pictures! I was so young. Youth really is wasted on the young. I just did an image shoot for the bracelets and I have wrinkles like crazy around the eyes. I seriously aged since my last time in London... phew.

I love you and I miss you. Do you think that one day we will be able to make people alive again? Or to skype with the deceased? I miss you. I miss you. I feel terribly lonely without you.

Undefined

My dearest Momanimal... whereas you were far away for a while I dreamed of you two nights ago. You were alive but already sick and in bed. We knew what was to come. I woke up and was shocked... it felt like starting from scratch, going through all the emotions of your death fast forward early in the morning before having a coffee. I was devastated. Again. The following two days I didn't know what I felt. Now I know:I feel flat. Like super sparkling water that has lost all it's bubbles. The water is ok, as it's just flat water but it used to be very different. Something is missing. HA! What a metaphor.

I missed you terribly today. And I was mad at you for leaving us behind. I so wish for all the memories we should have had with Tonie and all. You being a grandmother, me being a mom. 13 mths were to short. And wtf I am in the middle of my life you are supposed to be here! Sappy smush, sappy smush. I do have to try harder to find our happy ending.

I love you & I miss you.

Hair in Brushes & Snow on Skis

My dearest Momimal,

we spent the past week in Austria. Best weather, good mood. I left work behind, didn't take a single project with me and I went skiing everyday! I even stopped reading on my kindle while sitting in the ski-lift. For the first time in months I could let my mind wander without getting trapped in sadness.

Listening to talk-shows while falling asleep, reading bs magazines while eating, bathing... keeping the mind busy... Whatever. Just sitting in the ski-lift enjoying the view without much to think about... ahhhh...

I really felt quite ok for the entire week. One day one my skies I felt fluffy and light, smooth even, quick and painless. Unfortunately the weight sunk back on my shoulders once we are back home.

But better. I finished the grief recovery book. Once, didn't do the assignments, though. So now I start from the beginning again and will do it properly. I feel able to let things go. I emptied your closet in Austria, it feels less serious than your Munich walk-in. Your night gown was hanging behind the door. I had left it there for the past weeks. I moved your makeup stuff. I cleaned the drawers in your bathroom. I removed your hair from the brushes. Usually stray hair anywhere is disgusting. But your hair today... It is the only true part of you that still exist and that I can see. I left your brushes untouched because they made me feel close to you. Effing Hair! Anyway. I am ready and I can let go of your hair now. Ha! I started with one brush and will continue with the others.

Can't go on, Tonie is crying for dear life, babysitter is with her but she wants to make very sure, I know that she hates spending time with the sitter.

I love you.