Hair in Brushes & Snow on Skis

My dearest Momimal,

we spent the past week in Austria. Best weather, good mood. I left work behind, didn't take a single project with me and I went skiing everyday! I even stopped reading on my kindle while sitting in the ski-lift. For the first time in months I could let my mind wander without getting trapped in sadness.

Listening to talk-shows while falling asleep, reading bs magazines while eating, bathing... keeping the mind busy... Whatever. Just sitting in the ski-lift enjoying the view without much to think about... ahhhh...

I really felt quite ok for the entire week. One day one my skies I felt fluffy and light, smooth even, quick and painless. Unfortunately the weight sunk back on my shoulders once we are back home.

But better. I finished the grief recovery book. Once, didn't do the assignments, though. So now I start from the beginning again and will do it properly. I feel able to let things go. I emptied your closet in Austria, it feels less serious than your Munich walk-in. Your night gown was hanging behind the door. I had left it there for the past weeks. I moved your makeup stuff. I cleaned the drawers in your bathroom. I removed your hair from the brushes. Usually stray hair anywhere is disgusting. But your hair today... It is the only true part of you that still exist and that I can see. I left your brushes untouched because they made me feel close to you. Effing Hair! Anyway. I am ready and I can let go of your hair now. Ha! I started with one brush and will continue with the others.

Can't go on, Tonie is crying for dear life, babysitter is with her but she wants to make very sure, I know that she hates spending time with the sitter.

I love you.

Happy Things

My dearest Mommanimal,

today is the first day I can lift my head up again. Sometimes the pain feels unbearable. Though I really know heartbreak I never experienced this crushing pain.

Anyway. Looking ahead. A little pick me up:
The week you died, Instyle Magazine emailed and asked for images of my bracelets and my tattoos! They wanted to feature them for their January issue. I didn't think about it as you never know with magazines – and I had other things on my mind. But yesterday my tiny onlineshop arose from it's beauty sleep and several orders tumbled into my mailbox... Yay! I spent yesterday morning in your place waiting for a delivery and quickly brought the shop up to date. Now it is a Christmas Shop. Look below.... I really like the colors. Ooh, I will upload all the Christmas Card designs I just finished for clients....

The bracelet & tattoo disaster really is a story in itself. And it was about time something positive happened to this doomed endeavor. I have often wished I had stopped the process the minute we knew about your diagnosis. On the other hand it probably kept me afloat thinking through the designs, finishing the illustrations for the tattoos... I just prepared the different orders and I remembered how you wanted to help me to tie the bracelets. You had always helped with all this little handy stuff of my different products. Only this time your hands were shaking just a tiny bit and you couldn't really hold them still. We just went on and you worked slowly and it broke my heart. Breaks my heart right now and all the pain is back with a blast. My dearest, best and greatest Mom. I miss u so. I don't know what to do without you. I hope you are well wherever you are. I love you I miss u I wish u hadn't died.