Back from UK

Dearest Mom,

Tonie and I are back from London since Tuesday. We had to change our flight as the airline was on strike Monday. Tonie was very, very happy to be back. Even though she was the greatest travel companion. She changes so much currently... She fell in love with the ugliest baby doll her little friend J owned. And was carrying it around with her all the time. Back in Munich I bought her her own – cuter Käthe Kruse bath baby – and the baby has to accompany us everywhere – naked. As soon as I put clothes on her Tonie takes them off.

I had so many things to tell you... While in London I sometimes wanted to call you, to tell you everything about our trip. I simply forgot that I can't. I have been sad for the past days. And uninspired to write. But I'll try – tomorrow.

I miss you, I love you.

Ziggy Stardust & The London Eye

My dearest momanimal,

We arrived save and Sound but our trip is a Story in it's own. Not because of Tonie, she was a blast! Totally cute, she insisted on fasten her seat belt thing and was very serious about it. I fear that you left me your travel fever... It is simply different to travel with small kids. All the packing and prepairing, the food to take and the games to organize... No dozing over a people magazine, looking around, having a cappuccino, trying lipgloss in the duty free... Well, and what do ya know my passport was out of date. I was at the gate perfectly on time and the passport control lady didn't let me go on board. I had to get a new five day passport at the aiport and then had to take the next flight. Plus a 30 min lays. Makes 2.5 hours travel time on top of all and a very tearful- almost fallen into pieces - mum. Because of your departure I am just very edgy whenever anything unexpected happens. Changing the flight should have cost me more than 450 euros but somehow the Lufthansa support ladies made it happen and we could take the next flight for the basic fee. I am so very thankful to them. I was so excited about Tonie's and my first trip. I really was devastated when the boarding lady just didn't let me through. Thanks! I only met the nicest and most helpful strangers yesterday, one after the other! Even though I was a drama queen and it was my fault to begin with.

In London! We wanted to visit the David Bowie exhibition in the Victoria and Albert museum but there was such a long queue! I really want to see it... And as I have lived in Paris for many years without going on top of the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe and I lived in New York without EVER going to the Statue of Liberty - it is so shameful I am scared to put it down on a screen here- I now really, really want to go onto the London eye - enormous wonderwheel right by the river Thames. And which means lots of queuing, too. Add two toddlers and a their tiny agendas: enjoy the ride...

What we did do today: we had breakfast at a french-sich cafe, left early because of the little temper of my friends son. Visited a butterfly exhibition, I left early because tonie was scared of humid, noisy environment. Had coffee at a friends place whom I have'nt seen since.... 2001?  Even though I always really liked here but I fear I wronged at some point. Another story.

Tonie: somehow she seems to believe that I have some kind of mean plan to leave her behind! She makes very sure that I

A don't forget her

B don't leave the stroller anywhere outside where we can't see it

C don't let the car service guy run off with our suitcase

She even recognized our suitcase on the luggage conveyor belt...One and a half! It's all I have to say. She is gifted. And very cute. Oh and she once again was so sweet when I cried at the passport office. Stroked my knee. I explained everything to her. Ahhh! I feel ashamed and proud at the same time that she is so empathic... (Ashamed because my toddler comforts me)

I love you! I will select images and post them later on. I hope you are doing fine....

I will be a Vegetarian one day

Dearest, Best Mom Ever,

I watched the movie "Samsara" yesterday. Purely visual, no words. See below. It was feautred on Itunes. At first I started watching doing stuff on the side, some research, some blog reading. After a while I got the hang of it and I was fascinated. Creators Ron Fricke and Mark Magidson travelled around the world for five years and captured nature, civilisation – which doesn't seem too civil most of the time – and people. Plus food processing... from animals. I was hardly able to watch and I felt so sick of myself eating meat, drinking milk. I thought about becoming a vegetarian so many times. But I simply love a nice Parma or Parmigiano, spare ribs, a burger, a great steak. Latte Macchiato... It's the Italians fault. Who would be able to travel to Italy without eating meat and dairy? It is just so demanding. Tom end I decided a while ago to pay very close attention to what kind of meat we buy. Consume less animal products. But renounce it entirely?

Yesterday I decided that I would try to be vegetarian. I will find ways around it. I am serious about it definitely. Step by step I will change my diet and will see where it takes me.

However. Today I had to un for a lense UV filter for my new camera (dreadful, but very happy-ending story), stopped by the Italian superstore and bought... yes, Vitello Tonato... I think it's kind of fine chicken slices with tuna – tuna is a whole new problem –  I only realized my "mishap" at the cashier... then we had time until the Radio Shack opened and I was very hungry, MC etc was around the corner and they have the most delicious Bacon and Egg Muffin I rarely eat because I never make it there before 10.00 am. Bacon is the worst and most disgusting.

To apeace myself I just had some Prosecco on ice. Because I am SO EXCITED about London tomorrow. Like christmas as a child! Like the club as a twen. London as a Fortsy? What's the efffing, cute word for an almost Forty-something?

I love you. I miss you so very much, tears are ready to jump onto my cheeks all the time. I am tipsy.

Please. Come back.

PS: My nose looks very ugly shot from below.

Samsara Theatrical Trailer from Baraka & Samsara on Vimeo.

Desk of the Day

Tonie found a bunch of sponges in my office today. They have been hidden away in a box and moved from office to office through the past years. I think they look... like something, somehow. I still like the colour of the oil paint dried up on them.

London, tombstones & skyping with the Dead

Dear Mom,

Tonie and I are going to make our first big trip to London next week. Just us two. We are visiting a friend and her little son. I am really excited... so far flying has been kind of difficult with her but she has been travelling with Tom and by now she knows a plane gets her someplace new and adventurous. I hope we'll have a good flight... without screaming?

I have been talking to the tombstone lady today. That's the last thing to do. Finding a stone design for you. I miss you very much again. I am seeing photos of you and I cannot, cannot, can't believe I will never see you again? You look so cute and beautiful and I just want to hear you say anything, call me by my nicknames. I am so sorry... for everything. It feels so wrong that you died.

Up, up, up. Look at my images from my last London trip in 2005!!!! I was so young! So much happened since! I lived in San Francisco! You had breast cancer for the first time... and I came back. I fell in love with an impostor. Moved in with an impostor. I had a quick and exciting career in publishing. Broke up with the impostor after fighting like crazy. At the very end after one of my last desperate stunts for him you just said it once – Sweetie, let go, he doesn't love you – if I would be in dead end situation like that toady, who would tell me? I did let go and decided to live happily ever after! I met Tom! Had a wild crazy love story with lots of Italy, Israel and paradise in Greece. Married Tom. Moved again and here is Tonie, the cutest girl ever. I wish I could tell you about her. All those little things she does and how she grows and evolves. How I enjoy being with her. How I love being a mom like I never anticipated.

Look at those pictures! I was so young. Youth really is wasted on the young. I just did an image shoot for the bracelets and I have wrinkles like crazy around the eyes. I seriously aged since my last time in London... phew.

I love you and I miss you. Do you think that one day we will be able to make people alive again? Or to skype with the deceased? I miss you. I miss you. I feel terribly lonely without you.

Dreaming of Paris

Medium day today, another cashmere video to do and I can't find the soundtrack I am looking for.

As coincidences go I am looking for something french and here comes the newsletter from my favorite Parisian Department Store, le Bon Marché – best selection of brands and bags and jeans and beauty things. I used to live around the corner and whenever I am in Paris, it is one of my favourites for shopping They posted a video as they currently have a Brazil special in their food court. I love the colours and illustration. reminded me again to think more about transitions when doing videos. unfortunately not my forte. Anyway, before I post my next cashmere video, here comes Brazil!

Thinking rose-colourish

I decided to pick up speed. I'm done with lamenting and grieving. Well, I will feel sorry for myself but still I'll try to make the best of it. And I started already. I am currently sorting all my files on my computer. What an endeavour!!! Millions of images, badly organised. The booklet I started of Tonies first 52 weeks in life. One image for every week. Meep! Unfinished... The booklet I promised Tom for Christmas 2011 of our first year of marriage. Meep! Unfinished...

My bookmarks are a mess. So many things I like and I will never look at again because I can't keep track. All my videos and Camcorder recordings. All the drawings and paintings. Lingering somewhere in boxes and folders in your attic and my attic and Roberts attic. Or in the basement falling into pieces. No more! Order, order is my mantra for the next weeks! Even my skin is a mess. I need a facial.

Undefined

My dearest Momanimal... whereas you were far away for a while I dreamed of you two nights ago. You were alive but already sick and in bed. We knew what was to come. I woke up and was shocked... it felt like starting from scratch, going through all the emotions of your death fast forward early in the morning before having a coffee. I was devastated. Again. The following two days I didn't know what I felt. Now I know:I feel flat. Like super sparkling water that has lost all it's bubbles. The water is ok, as it's just flat water but it used to be very different. Something is missing. HA! What a metaphor.

I missed you terribly today. And I was mad at you for leaving us behind. I so wish for all the memories we should have had with Tonie and all. You being a grandmother, me being a mom. 13 mths were to short. And wtf I am in the middle of my life you are supposed to be here! Sappy smush, sappy smush. I do have to try harder to find our happy ending.

I love you & I miss you.