Happy Easter

Tonie got her first chocolate high and couldn't stop looking for eggs once she understood the concept. It has been snowing the whole day! I love it, I don't miss spring one bit... yet. Unfortunately can't remember what we did for Easter Sunday last year...

I love you & I miss you.

Anger Issues

I can't really remember myself as an angry person. But somehow during pregnancy I became angrier, I suddenly started to flip while ion the car when people drove strangely. Or said something. After Tonies I returned to my smooth, relaxed self most of the time. But since you died it's back: Angry Me! I get mad: I throw phones, doors, shoes. It scares me. I am impatient with me and others. I get mad at my clients and have the feeling as if I can't take it anymore. It's as if I am boiling inside.

All the things I should have done. I should have helped you more than I did. I should have made you go through chemotherapy last year. I should have been more aware of what breast cancer means. I am so mad that I believed all those articles about how they can heal BC today and how good the chances are. But just part of the statistics are mentioned and the little footnote is missing. I was so naive and just wanted to believe you were on the right side of all the stats.

I've never been so angry before! Why didn't I stay with you all those weeks? Why did you die? Why are you not here for me? It goes against others, Tom and Tonie and friends who don't call and just write quick texts and expect me to answer and tell them what Christmas was like. Are you kidding? First Christmas after the death of my mother and you want me to tell you all about it in a text message? Why don't you call and just ask me? Talk to me? Why don't you take the time and listen if you ask stuff like that in the first place? I don't have to talk about my mother all the time. I am able to do small talk. So there is no need to fear a phone call with me.

Blechhh. Anger, anger, anger. After a few calm days away, first came the tears, know the anger again.

Yesterday my cashmere client invited us to her temporary popup store cocktail happening and I met jewelry designer Susa Beck and  fell in love with her ring designs. Uhh, I wish I could afford one of these fairy-tailish, surreal rings.

I love you.

Schilf Medium Vent Vert – Dita Fruit Lemon Squash – Uroboros

Hiding

My dearest Mom,

since I felt so happy and light during our break in Joberg I went right back for the weekend and stayed. Monday, Tuesday Wednesday. Tonie and I went swimming and tobogganning. I watched some stupid TV. Ah, we had fun. There was lots to laugh about and I felt like a very good, sane Mum.

Being away it feels as if you are only a phone call away and I'll speak to you soon to tell you all the latest news and stuff. Back home... is back home where the whole you left is all consuming. I am dreading your house in Munich. In the beginning it felt safe and I spent every other afternoon there just to calm down and feel close to you. But now I cringe only thinking about it, it's a nothing but a weight on my shoulders. Everything looks the same as always, your housekeeper takes care of everything, even decorated easter things. Your brothers and T find it spooky that the house looks like always. Frozen in time. None of us can afford to move into your house. Renting it will be difficult... and sooner or later we will sell. And some company will tear our home down and will build one of those apartment buliding clones. your house is almost the last of its kind in this area.

Anyway. Here is my latest video I created it for my cashmere client. It was my favourite way of working when every step in the process just falls into place. Happens rarely but is the BEST. And itworks. She was really, really happy.

I love you. I understand you won't come back. I think.

Dancing sweater from mimicks on Vimeo.

Hair in Brushes & Snow on Skis

My dearest Momimal,

we spent the past week in Austria. Best weather, good mood. I left work behind, didn't take a single project with me and I went skiing everyday! I even stopped reading on my kindle while sitting in the ski-lift. For the first time in months I could let my mind wander without getting trapped in sadness.

Listening to talk-shows while falling asleep, reading bs magazines while eating, bathing... keeping the mind busy... Whatever. Just sitting in the ski-lift enjoying the view without much to think about... ahhhh...

I really felt quite ok for the entire week. One day one my skies I felt fluffy and light, smooth even, quick and painless. Unfortunately the weight sunk back on my shoulders once we are back home.

But better. I finished the grief recovery book. Once, didn't do the assignments, though. So now I start from the beginning again and will do it properly. I feel able to let things go. I emptied your closet in Austria, it feels less serious than your Munich walk-in. Your night gown was hanging behind the door. I had left it there for the past weeks. I moved your makeup stuff. I cleaned the drawers in your bathroom. I removed your hair from the brushes. Usually stray hair anywhere is disgusting. But your hair today... It is the only true part of you that still exist and that I can see. I left your brushes untouched because they made me feel close to you. Effing Hair! Anyway. I am ready and I can let go of your hair now. Ha! I started with one brush and will continue with the others.

Can't go on, Tonie is crying for dear life, babysitter is with her but she wants to make very sure, I know that she hates spending time with the sitter.

I love you.