About

The picture below was taken on a perfect day. A picture day. My birthday. August. Wonderful  weather. I had just been given a kindle I had so wished for. I had no work for the day and my 10 mths old daugther and I spent the entire day in the garden. My mother came by for coffee, later on some friends came by also. I loved that day and I thought by myself how perfectly happy I felt. 

About a week later my mother was diagnosed with metastases in her spine that was about to collapse but it was fixable. She'd had breast cancer in 2005. By the end of August further tests revealed several major metastases in her brain. Radiation would only give her a few month more. She would die very soon. And she decided against any treatment. 

My mom was very, very close to me. After her tough divorce we became even closer even though our relationship could be difficult. But she was my everything family and she anchored me. I have two brothers. Older and much younger. She never stopped being a mum, listening to all our worries, helping with moving, and laundry if needed, listening to all our stuff. Always making sure that we all came together preparing dinners and filling up her fridge to the brim. Her house had always been open to all our friends and for us.

She died at the end of October. For her last weeks she had been ok. We visited her daily, my brother bringing lunch, me taking care of dinner. Ad we really enjoyed our time together. Death lay ahead but somehow we lived around it. She became more tired by the day and it became very difficult for her to get to the first flour. But that was one of the view signs she was very sick. Four days before her death her mind became foggy she realized it, lay down in her bed and didn't get up no more (except for the bathroom). She died on a Monday morning.

I am heartbroken. A major part of me went missing with her. I never planned a lot in my life but  I always had a very clear image of how my mother, I and my children would be together. My daughter was born a year ago. And my mum and her had 13 month to get to know each other. 

During her last weeks I often felt like living a romantic movie. even though everything looked so grim, I somehow believed she would suddenly be healed or the cancer would stop or something. I could not understand that she would die. I knew she would die, I tried to prepare myself but still, I was somehow convinced there would be a happy end, I felt sure of it. But there wasn't. She did die.

Some days the pain of missing her literally crushes me, I can't really move and I basically lie on the floor trying to explain to Tonie that it's gonna pass and why I am crying. I am waiting for the moment where the weight of her loss is lifted and I suddenly discover a new "her" being in my life somehow... There must be a way of finding her in my life again and feel happy. 

Until then what to do with all my little daily stuff I would have told her? She always listened about how cute Tonie s or that she was crying for no reason. Or what my graphic clients did or what my latest designs looked like. I told her so many things and now all these stories are cranked up within me and I constantly miss her feedback and what she is doing and what she wants to tell. I have so much I want to talk to her about. How her funeral was, what her friends said and what they do, how I miss her. How I wait for her. I have so much time on my hands that I used to spend with her and it makes me fell lonelier by the day. So all this has to go somewhere. I have to tell someone. I can't constantly cry to my friends or change so why I talk to them and talk to them the way I would have talked with her. This has to go somewhere. Until things get better and I find a way how to life without her or rather with her just in a new shape. A thought shape. Or spirit shape. Moving on.


PS Oh and I have shown all my favorite blogs to my mom. So she is fine with it. I hope.