Anger Issues

I can't really remember myself as an angry person. But somehow during pregnancy I became angrier, I suddenly started to flip while ion the car when people drove strangely. Or said something. After Tonies I returned to my smooth, relaxed self most of the time. But since you died it's back: Angry Me! I get mad: I throw phones, doors, shoes. It scares me. I am impatient with me and others. I get mad at my clients and have the feeling as if I can't take it anymore. It's as if I am boiling inside.

All the things I should have done. I should have helped you more than I did. I should have made you go through chemotherapy last year. I should have been more aware of what breast cancer means. I am so mad that I believed all those articles about how they can heal BC today and how good the chances are. But just part of the statistics are mentioned and the little footnote is missing. I was so naive and just wanted to believe you were on the right side of all the stats.

I've never been so angry before! Why didn't I stay with you all those weeks? Why did you die? Why are you not here for me? It goes against others, Tom and Tonie and friends who don't call and just write quick texts and expect me to answer and tell them what Christmas was like. Are you kidding? First Christmas after the death of my mother and you want me to tell you all about it in a text message? Why don't you call and just ask me? Talk to me? Why don't you take the time and listen if you ask stuff like that in the first place? I don't have to talk about my mother all the time. I am able to do small talk. So there is no need to fear a phone call with me.

Blechhh. Anger, anger, anger. After a few calm days away, first came the tears, know the anger again.

Yesterday my cashmere client invited us to her temporary popup store cocktail happening and I met jewelry designer Susa Beck and  fell in love with her ring designs. Uhh, I wish I could afford one of these fairy-tailish, surreal rings.

I love you.

Schilf Medium Vent Vert – Dita Fruit Lemon Squash – Uroboros