Looking ahead

Momanimal, beloved, best & terribly missed.

the whole you left is so unimaginably big that I sometimes don't know who I am. Said it before and it sounds dumb. But that's it exactly. I feel like Goldie Hawn at the very end of "Death Becomes Her", Meryl Streeps character shoots a whole into Goldie's and she looks like a donut with a human around it. I am basically a human donut. The center is missing. Stupid. I am almost 40 and should be my own person and I am. But everything will change. I never can drop by just because I feel like it and I never realized before how much comfort that really was. It felt like comfort for a couple of hours being with you. Now I know it was essential comfort, calming me for days and weeks to come. Going home. Soon I probably won't even be able to visit your home – where I at least can feel close to you, because it will be rented. And it's still another pain to know I will loose your world entirely sooner or later. Your things, your furniture, your bedroom... oh, your cosy kitchen, always stocked, always open for everybody. All of you will have to live in mind and the minds of my brothers and your friends.

As everything has to change so dramatically I should take advantage of it. I decided I will. I will. I will work less and have more time for Tonie. In the beginning while she was tiny it was easy to work with her beside me, she just watched, slept and lied on my desk... But by now she gets really bored and mad when I work too much. Oh and me myself I am also unbearable, because I can't focus or fall into work for hours on end. And I miss it.

I decided to take on less graphic design projects. If at all. Maybe I just keep the clients I had for years but no new ones. Instead I really want to concentrate on the bracelets, on the setup of the shop, production. Inventing new products. Reproducing the little felt-bags from several years ago. I would like to be a visual... inventor? producer? creator? I don't want to be the visual translator any more – finding the visual form to the clients message. Instead I will translate my own.