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My dearest Mom,

it seems like I am getting sadder and sadder, not better and better. The more time passes... even if I knew it's final all along, everyday I have the same thought: It can't be true. That I will never see or talk to you again. I so long for a call from you. And as it is nothing but frustrating to even write about it, I don't want to write about it all.

Tonie walks! Two weeks now... really long stretches and more and more every day. I have a new computer, the old one almost bombed. Tonie and I are very sick, we both have a very painful cold and we have a rough time with each other as we both feel so bad. Before that, about three days ago I was crying basically for two consecutive days. My skin felt raw, no, it feels like I have no skin on my body at all and everything I did hurt. The air around me was enough to hurt me... poor Tonie, she is the one who lives through my pain more than anyone and she shouldn't be. I am very lonely as I am scared to dump all the pain on someone else. Calling a friend to gnaw her ears of about how painful it feels... somehow I can't talk about it.

I love you more than I ever knew and I miss you almost every minute of the day, even at night. Wouldn't it be great, if reality didn't exist and you could simply come back just because I ask you to. Love.