RIP

My dearest, sweetest Mommanimal,

today you found your final resting place. The day after you died we went looking for a family grave. And the three of us all liked a small space beneath a birch tree surrounded by hedges. This is where the rest of you resides for now and ever. Your ashes fit into a tiny metal box and we have chosen the simplest, purest ceramic urn for you. You can't imagine the ugliness of urns. Urn designs are very, bery strange. I don't think you would have wanted a dolphin jumping into the sunset airbrushed onto your biodegradable plastic urn? See. I figured. Your urn looked beautiful. Your death date was wrong on the metal box inside... they wanted to place the ugliest cross onto your grave with a black veil around it. argh. Really strange, again. But your friend and I came prepared, a very sleek and simple grey slate bears your name for now, until we find the perfect gravestone.

I love u. I love u. I love u.

And it doesn't get better. Everyday I wish you were with us. I wish I could hear your voice and I wish I could tell you everything that happened these past weeks.

We went for lunch afterwards. I left Tonie with the sitter. She slept through your burial.

It is late in the afternoon now and I am waiting for them to return from there walk right now.

I miss u. I miss u. I miss u. Come back. Come back. Come back.

I love you. Now this process of dying and burying is behind us. Today I saw you for the first time since your death. The last I saw of your face, bedded in synthetic sheets with a cross, roses in your hands. Have you ever imagined yourself in a coffin in your living room? I believe not. And I am sorry the coffin was so... wooden. The images of our last weekend together are anchored into my mind. Sometimes they are hard to deal with, sometimes they help.

The day draws to a close. Thomas is back. Tonie is asleep. This was the last of the ceremonies. The last step of knowing you will die. Beginning in August when they found the metastases in your back. Knowing you will die.Waiting for and dreading your death. The weekend you died. Seeing you dead. The funeral service. The first weeks without. Your burial. The lunch after. Now the weekend after.

I love u and miss u.