Birthday tunes

My dearest, dearest Mom...

I miss u. It's Thomas' birthday today. What a beautiful, what a painful day today. Tears welled up as I prepared the cake yesterday – your favorite recipe. As I sang a your favorite birthday tune... I bought his presents in the department store where we went in spring and you bought a pair of jeans for me. Because I didn't know what to wear once the pregnant pounds faded but left my body totally different and strangely reshaped. Even though my weight really isn't the issue anymore. I fit into the smallest sizes. I can see my rips and for once in a longtime have almost spindly legs. And I don't do a thing for it. I am not sick. I just feel sick most of the time, because I miss u. Naturally death is final but how can I understand. You were with us a minute ago. So many moments pass in front of my inner eye. And I wish it was last summer again. We knew you would die but I couldn't grasp in the least what it meant.  No forum for breast cancer I visited, no book about dying or grief prepared me for what's happening now and how my life changed. I hate it. I don't want to be the me before your death and the me after your death. Especially as I have no clue who this  latter me is. To be defined.

I love u & I miss u and I would give anything to talk to you. Please call soon. I hope you are well and happy wherever you are and say hi to grandma Awa if you can.

A million kisses, Gi

PS I will upload pictures of tiny Tonie later on. She wore the cutest outfit for the day.