On getting better

How very strange to write to you. On a blog, I have my doubts... Somehow though, the blog thing makes sense to me. It sets a frame, a place to meet you and spend time with you. I prepare and plan and then: we meet through my writing activity or thinking about images. I can take the edge of my bursting heart, there is an outlet for all those things I used to tell you, I want to tell you but can't. At the same time, yes, I do hope that maybe someone reads what I need to tell. As you can't hear me, maybe there is someone else who can and understand all these feelings. Someone with a similar experience. Cancer is so common today. Death belongs to our lives. But in our day to day routines there is hardly any space for all of this. Especially if a toddler is involved.

I can't remember anyone asking me how I am really doing now that you have been gone for several months. And often times I am so close to tears I wouldn't even be able to answer without breaking down. Maybe that's why people don't ask. Breaking down is a newer fear that came with time. Shortly after you died the pain was just part of the grieving process. But now I fear falling back into this hole of intense grieve.

Still how very strange to write to you. Is it not? Bah, oh, I miss you terribly. I can not stop repeating myself. Why write to you and how to make the best of it? Somehow in my head I have a timeline. I want to make it through the first year without you. Somehow I believe that after twelve months, or rather experiencing the first anniversary of your death will be the last great hurdle for me to take in this grieving process thing. By now we managed everything else, first day, first week, memorial and funeral, Christmas, new years, first winter, your birthday, first spring. Now first summer without you with our last summer of you in our minds and how the disease dwindled you away within weeks. Your anniversary.

Probably it won't change a thing. But - and that's what has been riddling me for the past days - what can I do to make the most of it? A horrible as it sounds but it is a tough and challenging and crushing year it does make sense to live through it conciously and thoroughly, even if it hurts as nothing has before. I want to remember everything and about you. I won't ever for sure but I want to remember those intense last weeks. Or maybe sometimes not intensive enough weeks because there are some things I regret. Several actually.

So after drifting for the past months being crushed by my grieve like a little object gets aimlessly thrown around by the angry waves of a storm in the sea - the image could be better described... - I decided to focus and remember, to do my grieving homework and to heal. Really how can there be a happy me if I am whining and crying? Which is ok, of course, but I believe there has to be some evolution. I have to find a new place, space, something for you in my live.

I love you and I miss you.