Happy Mothers Day...

My dearest, best ever Mom,

happy mothers day! I wish I could tell you in person, I wish I could speak to you. I believe I am suffering from severe 6 mths grieving. I miss you terribly. Sometimes tears explode within seconds and the only thought I have is "Can I please come home, just for half an hour". Your place is there, your things are there. The home is gone. Buhu. I dreamt how you died Monday morning and the crushed mood accompanied me for the rest of the day. Poor Tonie. 

Below is one of my favorite pictures I found somewhere. It's you even younger than I am today, me – around the age of Tonie right now – and my beloved grandmother, Awa. The image was taken at the beach during summer holidays. I always had this image in mind when I was pregnant, this was what I dreamt of. You, me and Tonie together. I was looking forward to recreating this same image. In my grief recovery book it is one of the basic losses: lost expectations. So maybe I can count this as one of the book's assignments. I acknowledged one of my expectations I have to let go of. It's a big one. Letting go a grandma for a child that only a year old. But, looking ahead. At least you met Tonie and I will always remember our walk together when labor started, the morning you visited us in the hospital – Tonie's first day – and how very worried you were for me while I tried to conceive Tonie. 

I love you and I miss you terribly. I wish for so many memories we just couldn't yet create.