Christmas

Without you. First Christmas without you ever in my life.

I was at your grave today. I never thought about how many people go to the graveyard on Christmas, very many, really. It is warm, much too warm for December, a bee was flying around the flowers on your grave. People are weeding and they bring little Christmas trees. Usually it is very quiet. Today the parking lot was crowded, coming and going. Your friend Jay has been here before me. She lighted a little candle. I can't believe you're not with us anymore. I can't believe it. Can NOT believe that you won't appear tonight. Wouldn't Christmas be reason enough for you to come back? All of us being here? I wish you were here.

Our Christmas tree is the same as last year. Lots of orderly colors, this year I also sorted the sizes. Small to small, big to big, pink to pink and fuchsia to fuchsia. I like it. It looks very summery on the pictures. The sun is glinting into the living room.  Last year: the first Christmas at Tom's and my place and the first time you were a guest on Christmas since forever.

The tree at your house is a mix also. As it will be the last time for a tree in your house as it used to be, I decided to give all your Christmas decorations a chance. One area is for pink and bubbly ornaments, one is for clean, classic silver things, one is red, one part of the tree is full of ice cones and cats and tulips in any color. And at one point I just stopped, not caring for the perfect tree as you wouldn't walk around it to point out "wholes". So I will be the only one to see the imperfections anyway.

I miss u terribly. If you won't be here tonight, it must be true. You are dead.